(This batch actually predate the others.  They may be a little out of order)

Iain: I've never seen anything so huge before!

Jakob: Shuri, has that thing grown again?

Young Simon: Anything can be taken sexually in the library.

Toby: It's just because I'm so strokealicious

Alia: I just heard comments about your bigness

Iain: JFX will hax0r your megahertz

Robbie: I can keep it up for five minutes ... I have done in the past ... when I was bored in a computer lesson

Phil: See, he(Jakob)'s easy!

Pete: Shuri, have you seen my glittering Lynx?

Iain: Can I have some of that white stuff?

Baz: Shit yeah! I'd like one that long!

Jake: I've got a slot you can use if you promise to behave with it.

Iain: Don't tweak my nipples without my permission.

Simon: And Michael said I'd never get it out...

Alex C.: You can have my soul, you can have my body, but I get to keep my jazz collection

Ben: Many Star Wars characters ate my balls, apparently.

Robbie: I am a humbled and naked slave.

Tiny Tom: I rotated myself for no good reason!

Tim: I won't get Baz, He's too rangy!

Malcolm: He's a wizard - they all have giant shiny balls.

Jake: They only recently patched it so that the crotch does not prevail.

Alex: Hot tasty men have better bits for eating.

Simon: I would rather have sleep!

Tai (to Alex): Bend over, it's the easiest way.

Alex: It wasn't quite happening, I went there at nine.
Tim+Cristina: Alex, the lecture was at ten. As every Monday.

Evil Tom: Does anyone want to fiddle with me?

Small Tom: Mine has a donkey on it.

Evil Tom: It's true ... I feel so dirty.

Baz: I've experienced Tai in a position of authority before.

Baz: So you'd have to suck very hard and squeeze.

Evil Tom: I want to fuck everyone.

Alex: Bend over, here it comes again.

Ben: It's because freshers have staying power

Thomas (with no prior knowledge of fnords): I can't see any fnords!

Kath: Robbie, you can have your bollocks back.

Kath (to Tai): No, you're not doing anything to that ring.

Kath: There is a limit to how much Lord Flashheart I can take in one week.

Tai: It'll go much easier if you lie down...

Robbie: I think the royal family might have a thing about sheep.

Seb: I'm talking through your breasts at Tai.

Smaller Tom: Don't slap me, it's kinky!

Alex (at the end of Cube): So that's it? There's no explanation of who built it, or why they were chosen?
Everyone: No
Alex: Oh

Jake: I am an evil creature of the night. Sleep with me.

Simon: I'd like to see Tiny Tom and Small Tom wanging it up.

Alex: I couldn't be a female sumo wrestler.

Baz: and I still managed ot get it out every month except for the month I was told not to.

Alex: A bigger bin might mean Dave Clements would get it in more often.

Karne: I'm more than happy to direct them how as to do it from behind.

Baz: I tried to get if off, but it wouldn't come!

Robbie: I spent all my time figuring out where you can get a warthog to go. You can get them just about anywhere if you wiggle enough.

Malcolm: Baby-oil has it's uses.

Alex: Vicky gave me a good workout...

Tiny Tom: I take offence at the idea I might not make a wholesome meal.

Ben: I'm not inflating Alex.

Malcolm: There's a lot of Jessica Rabit porn about!
Alex: Not that I've ever seen any ... but you're right!

Ben: But where are the freshers?
All (to tune of Rocky Horror): ... fucking ... and sucking...

Alex (about Vicky): Blows mostly

Mark: I've never said anything that stupid in this room.

Alex: I'm hard enough to do it twice, are you?

Robbie: We have a quality vap(?)!

Shuri: I'm not going to be doing that position again any time soon.

Shuri: What you ned to do is get crumples bits of tissue paper and stick them in.

Etak: I would so put that in my mouth.

Sam: She couldn't manage that many at once, she's quite small.

Alex: I got attacked by Baz's legs.

Etak: I ate the other one at least.

Iain: I like Jake's pretty thing.

Alex: I just need a few more inches.

Kath: And it was a whole inch long!

Phil: I actually did it to you, and you are female.

Robbie: Screw the goddamned fluffy animals!

Eemeli: I'm very good at stroking the backs of people's heads.

Paolo(?) (To Mitul): can you move please so I can penetrate again.

Baz: I seem to have been better equipped than everyone else present.

Tim: It's too big to beat you off with.

Kath: No, you can do stuff to your hot cords (???)

Paolo: What would your price be Sam?

Dave: The library is full of corpses today.

Eemeli: How would you like to be fed?

Jake: As far as I'm concerned, I won't be doing anything with animals.

Robbie: Not you, I was talking to Satan.

Muppet: But the Scottish are all tight ... though I haven't sampled all of them.

Kath: It's my birthday - you are not allowed to piss on me!

Robbie: What's this hash doing here?

Adam: I'd go out with you if you gave me a squirrel!

Tai: It'll hurt less if you straddle.

Robbie (touching Tai): You're way too hot

Baz: I've been using LaTeX too much recently.

Simon: I think Toby is going to come.

simon: I need my Kavu to come.

Viv: you need to take them off first before you start playing.

Ed: I've got to swing by Chem. to pick up Phil's harness.

Seb: I'm making happy sense.

Karne: Faster Lloyd, faster!

Alex: I like getting petted.

Tai: Muppet tips both ways.

Phil: Get your fucking hand out of there!

Shuri: I want to be an evil overlord so that everyone will be my slave and they'll all have to play with me!

Phil: I always have these problems getting things in.

Robbie: Michel's given it to most of the rest of us.

Lloyd: I have the longest thing in the Sci Fi Library.

Phil: ... having found little bits of Tai in my room <mumble mumble mumble>

Karne: I'm stupid, aren't I?

Baz: I experimented with it a little bit at the start of this year.

Matt J: I think we should play poker with Magic cards.

Lloyd: I think we should have a panel discussion on how hard we like it.

Tai: I've got 35 gigs of mp3s, a gig or so of porn...

Robbie: Let Marcus go outside and play with his pole.

Viv (at Prince Caspian): This isn't more of the Avengers is it?

Robbie: All superior races dress in black leather.

Muppet: It works if I ease it in gently.

Mattt: Please, we are actually a family library.

Robbie (to Baz): Did you try Tai?

<?>: is she burying herself in your groin?
Baz: No, it's not that big.

Eemeli (to Tai): Can you stop doing that please? It's rather disturbing, especially from this angle.

Eemeli: no, I'm not going to do the same to you, especially if you're straddling me.

Matt K: I'm not seeing any flappage.

Tom: I like doing it to animals.

Baz: I wonder if it is larger than my wrench?

Baz: I like playing with Peter's wrench

Tai: I like having a silly hard thing.

Tai: Eemeli, will you be my orgasm friend?

Etak: I thought of you while I was eating it. Ad i ate it slow.

Shuri: Coleslaw is a sexual perversion!

Alex: I want the boys!

Ben: Alex was looking at me and licking his lips.]

Ben: Stop staring at Owain's crotch.
Alex: ... I was staring at his coke.

Simon: Can was stop putting Alex on the list?

Laura: Oh, the throbbing...

Ben: ... before I put Frank Sinatra on and charge Kath up again.

Malcolm: Given that your probably annihilated my penis...

Tim: My brother is noth that young to have that sort of fun with him.

Ian: I love the effect you get when you do this ... [Ceiling collapses] (technically not in library)

Ben: Dwarves are really really annoying because they won't go down.

Tim: After you've beaten it a couple of times, it gets boring...

Duncan: Yay! Want white stuff!

Baz (w.r.t Tiny Tom): Actively refusing to pay rent if fine.

Baz: (Tiny) Tom is too incompetent to manage it.

Ben: It's just what one's right arm is for.

Ian: Alex, It's between your legs.
 

(below are the latest batch, for the period November 05 - February 2006)

Jon: If I could take any part of Tutankhamen, it would be his penis.

Tim: Can we please stop talking about testicle removal.

Ed: Silence for Bill Bailey! (to record his first good suggestion, evar)

Mark (to Ian): do you not have any love of your groin?

Ali: You were two inches from his mouth...
Steve: ... and you still managed to get it all over my face.

Ian: Baz, Give me Mr. Screwdriver.

Baz: It's like trying to play with a nipple ... well, it is!

Steve (for the record): Ben is at a My Little Pony convention in Manchester.

Rebecca: They're hippies ... Vulcan hippies!
Ali: That's an excellent concept.

Rebecca: I used to put down my occupation as a mad scientist, but now I want to be a tribble farmer.

Rebecca: I'd rather be caught with porn than Star Trek novels.

Laura: If his head explodes, I bag the goatee.

Ben: Kath would rather marry Vicky than me.

Vicky: ... so, Ben is worth fortieth of a camel ...
Ben: hmmm ... [strokes chin] ... which fortieth?

Tim (Tom?): In kid's cartoons, all the girls are wet.

Ben: I shall take advantage of the mortal...

Tim: Which wire do I have to pull on to get it up?

Mark: Fondle my knee, fondle my fucking knee.

Malc: Baz violates himself all the time.

Dan: I got a tank into a place you'd never think a tank could get.

Mark: I like sucking!

Steve: Inject, then wiggle.

Kath: It wasn't me, it was my evil penis!

Ed: I would personally fellate a smurf.

Alex: The less said about Steve's ass on the quotes list the better.

Ben: fine, I will watch the interview in the privacy of my own bedroom.

Owain: Stop with the mounting of Vicky.

Matt: I've had people far heavier than Ben...

Ben: I'll show you widdle!

Alex: It looks like a mound of brown is not something I want to hear said about my food.

Peter: Malc is doing the work of two men.

Cristina: I want to build a cybernetic Alex.

Dan: You can do it quite well with your forearm!

Ben (about Owain): He fires wildly in all directions.

Alex: Kath, you have Gwen above you and Vicky below.

Steve: Bigger! Longer! Stabbier!

Dan: I'm going to the Land of Rubber. (WHY?????)

Dan: It's the size of it that's important, otherwise it's hard to jam the fingers in.

Ben: But I don't want to eat penis.

Alex: You're not a cat, you just purr if I stroke you right.

Dan (to Ian): I can put it somewhere else later if you want.

Steve: Rifted!

Vicky: I am not shaven!

Owain: Keep it there and use it to beat off anyone who comes too close.

Ali: We want to mate our large pink snake.

Sergei: I'm just so charismatic, everyone wants to kick me in the head.

Alan: I'll bring my cane and beat people off with it.

Alan: A tied up Harry Potter - how cool is that?

Jem: Hercules. Why is it all sticky?

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

The first batch (from internal evidence, from the summer holidays to the end of Octover 2005 - but since I wasn't around for the beginning, I can't say accurately)

Vicky: It's the little things in life that give me pleasure.

Cristina: Let's see how low my price can get.

Ben: There's Mellon in everyone.

Alex: Ian has a surplus nut.

Ben: Ah, yes, the Wrist-Master 2000.

Mark: Sliced bread is the best thing since inbred.

Baz: Okay, but Ben doesn't have a trench I can fly down.

Kath: We need more inbreeding.

Simon: I am not a zombie.

Ernst: Pull it out and let us have a look.

Baz: I can probably last for a couple of days, though i wouldn't particularly want to.

Baz: That's a point, where did my nuts go?

Phil: My overly extended silly.

Phil: I'm speeding away in the rear!

Steve: A decompressed penis is no fun for anyone.

Phil: Damn you Ben and your massive mound!

Ben: He's a boy they look like girls.

Ben: Physics were different in the 1990s.

Alex: You get a cursed thingy.
Ben: But she doesn't have a thingy.

Ian: My genitals exploded.

Owlbeard the Black: Women play boys in pantomimes. They remind us of boys.
Ernst: Yes. That's why we sleep with women.

Mark: I want a man, but I can't get one.

Malc: The Milky Bar Kid wasn't strong or tough enough for me!

Simon: The Balrog was hard, but I was great!

Baz: He opened himself up to it.

Ben: Gimli seems to have this strange ability, he only gets hard when there's elves around!

Mark: There has to be a rule that the winner gets poked...

Alex: If he had a 5¼" floppy, that would be cool.

Simon: Hyenas are not the biggest flaw in the D20 system.

Tim: That's not a bad looking cyclops.

Adam (to Ernst): You fuck animals.
Ernst (to Adam): You fuck French people.

(Tiny) Tom: I walk into the library, I blow someone.

Steve: Baz, I need you shaved.

 Kath: Kangaroos can keep it up for hours and hours. Where "it" is defined as bouncing.

Robbie: I think Ben's meat beats all of ours.

Alex: MAGE should not stand for Mobile Ambulatory Gun Emplacement!

Steve: Gaffa tape is my sticky lord.

Cristina: Spanish has no word for "Lemming".
(NB: the word is unclear.  It seems most likely to be lemming, but I read it originally as "lemon".  This was slightly funnier)

Smithers: Erotic ... arsehole?
Vicky: No, I said neurotic.
Smithers: Oh.

Smithers: I bought Photoshop - I'm law-abiding.

Anon: Monkeys? We don't need no steenking monkeys.

Ernst: Valiant wasn't good enough to be considered bad.

Dave (Clements): I really like the vampire episode in Buffy.

Kath: If Ian had longer hair he'd be tossing it over his shoulder.

Robbie: The power of the 10ft air & concrete firewall.
(NB: that was even *more* unclear)

Steve: Thankfully, Chutney is viscous.

Steve: One of my opp... players, not opponents at all...

Alex: Steve, at some point you will stab yourself in the balls and I will not be held responsible.

Ernst: One does not simply walk into Birmingham.

Dave: Oh no, I've got Jesus all over me now!

Dave: I wish I could have Jayne's mum!

Alex: Dude, I want to diffract Jesus.
Mark: Get in line.
(NB: proof of the diffractability of Jesus - Jesus is both god and man at the same time. This is like the wave-particle duality. Therefore you can diffract Jesus)

Mark (to Gwen): Where's your sense of ... meat?

Ian: Sometimes its better to light yourself than curse the darkness.

Mark: Aaargh! My sperm...!
(NB: I know leaving the context in is considered to spoil it, but this was in response to a scene in Flash Gordon, where someone's concealed weapon was vapourised through their clothing. NB2: Note to self: What sounds perfectly fine at midnight sounds bad in the cold cold light of day.)

Cristina: It was about this big [holds hands about a foot apart] both inside and out
(Referring to the rip in one of the library beanbags, actually)

Dave: Are you sure you're not a statistical aberration.

Alex: Ben is three times better than Jesus!
(because he was resurrected faster, and I have to put *this* comment in, because I've had to tell three people why, and had to ask myself)

Ed: We should start another religion.
Baz: But, we've already got, like, six.

Ben: I can't do it with a laptop in my lap.

Vicky: Girls get off a lot easier.

Phil: Jesus, Ben, my head is big, but yours is just unnatural.

Peter: I'm right into squid porn.

Ben: Ed made a good suggestion
(It may not be a pithy quote, but it is worthy of commemoration.  However, reality is scabbing over the rent in space-time Ed's suggestion caused, and I cannot remember *what* Ed's good suggestion was)

Malc: Vegetarians are a food group!

Kath: Gotta catch 'em all!